March 31, 2007
~ Randomly...
The morning after our chat, this part of the chat kept coming back into my detached mind.
glow in the dark love says:
the thing is..jancy, life sucks. u know that. so u shldnt sabotage ur chances of finding happiness.
The feeling? Sad. Though I don't know for what. I kept thinking about it on the bus ride to the MRT, adjourned the thinking while I tried to focus on 'Therapy' and 'I want to be buried in your backyard', and resumed thinking about that part of our chat while I walked to my office.
Then, I began asking myself. What happiness? I used to be able to grasp happiness as a state, as a concept, and could probably even draw it out, picture it in some way. It's like having a dictionary on hand and knowing exactly how and where to find a particular word. But, I can't seem to find this dictionary anymore. Like, I'm coming across words whose meanings elude even the dictionary.
Life sucks. I know it. But I shouldn't sabotage my chances of finding happiness. The problem is, I don't seem to know what's my own happiness anymore. And it doesn't even feel like it matters that I don't know. Because I'm dealing one day at a time.
In truth, I think perhaps I don't want to grasp the idea of happiness. Only to have it elude me again, proving yet again, life SUCKS.
I wouldn't have guessed that any of my friends is still expecting me to be not OK. Probably that's why I feel disconnected. Anyway, I appreciate you telling me it's all right to admit I'm not OK and in fact, half expecting me to not be OK. Empathy is a great gift, and it's even greater that you verbalise it.
xxx
Lunch mengobrol 1
Snowlette: When I come back later, I'd tell you about how we celebrated on the day I got my driving license.
Emman: Huh?
Me: No. Don't ever let him get started. It's one of the most regretful things I ever did in my life.
Emman: What was it you said?
Me: Are you going to tell him about erm, the HMV? What I did at HMV?
Snowlette: What HMV? It wasn't at HMV.
Me: It is!
Snowlette: No... it's at Swiss Culture.
Me: No lah. We met at HMV first...
Emman: What? What?
Snowlette: On the day that I got my driving license, she gave me a hug and I squeezed her arse.
Emman: Oh! I always knew you guys had a history.
Me: (laughs) No! Ok. I gave you a hug. That's true. And I still regret it till today. But the later part is not true!
Snowlette: It is. (nods) It is.
Me: No... that didn't happen lor.
Snowlette: I was close...
Me: Oh my god. Ok. I didn't feel anything ok! (thinks: why did we even have to bring this up? Jeez...)
You pervert... haha...
xxx
Shower of thoughts 1
I just suddenly had this thought.
Maybe I'd just marry anyone who can make me not dislike honeydew. Don't even have to like, just not dislike.
Shower of thoughts 2
I did the powerpoint slideshow in June. While she was holidaying with her colleagues in Tioman, I think. It distracted me from missing her too much, and checking my handphone every 15 minutes.
She was so awed when she saw the slideshow. She said I did it much better than the movies she did for me.
The sweet, romantic stuff we did for each other.
How could things change that much in a matter of 3 bloody months?
xxx
I'm in a 'I-should-do-something-productive-for-myself-this-weekend' kind of mood. Productive as in, I should go do whatever I've been procrastinating for the past 2 weeks. Like, get my anti-virus software, get birthday presents in arrears, get some real shopping done.
But I've got a feeling it will end up a 'Shit-I've-nuahed-away-my-weekend-again' kind of weekend.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:41
March 28, 2007
~ Randomly...
First of all, I wanna say... 'Whatever lah' (in an impatient, slightly frustrated tone)
xxx
In my quite strong opinion, if you are in need of kilos before your BMI falls into the acceptable range, you just do not have the right to say anyone else is too thin (or worse, skinny), unless that someone else is
1. your good friend (I stress, 'good'. Because in the boundary of real good friendship, saying someone else is thin is more likely due to your concern for a friend's lack of mass)
2. a celebrity (then, anything you say about a celebrity is just a positive recognition that he/she has gotten your attention)
3. truly, anorexic-thin (refer Calista Flockhart)
Admittedly, I am thin. I am underweight - I stopped having acceptable weight since what, primary 2? But, I absofuckinlutely do not think that I appear to be anorexic thin (under which circumstance, the word 'skinny' can be applied). And most important of all, I know I'm healthier than a lot of people who seem to be 'just-nice'. And the last time some MLM supplement brand agent measured my vital health stats, he proclaimed that my health age (in terms of metabolic rate, stored fats, water retention, etc) is a mere 18 year old. Not that I'm very proud of that. But, my point is, I do not think that I'm horribly thin, or skinny. I'm thin, but I'm pretty much healthy. Thank you.
But, everything is relative. That, I understand. So, if you are a bit more on the fleshy side and perhaps even obese, I guess it's very hard for you to accept someone my size as a mere 'thin'. I must make you feel like the ogre in Jack and The Beanstalk.
But, if you are so obvious-definitely underweight too, I think you are in no position at all to make any remarks about me being thin. Unless, of course, you think I
1. consider myself your good friend
2. am a celebrity
3. am anorexic-thin (which I just said I'm not)
Ya? So, give me a break. The thing about me being thin is really, so passe. I've been hearing it about 3-quarters of my life.
xxx
I just had this sudden thought - I think I'd stick to liking women.
(uh...?)
Hahaha... Not that it matters in any case. I'm in an abstinence period. Abstinence from ALL kinds of romantic relationships. Waste of money, waste of time, waste of energy.
xxx
Just now, in the shower (I often have a lot of thoughts in the shower), I suddenly thought I know why I looked unhappy in Meisen's dream of my wedding.
It must be because I'm marrying someone I don't even know if I love. I must have married because (s)he's bloody damn rich (of course! How else would you explain the opulent wedding dinner? In Paris, somemore!) and (s)he's taking good care of me. Meaning, (s)he can afford my desire of going to many, many places in Europe and sending for my parents to fly SQ (1st class) to visit me. And the idea of laboured work will therefore, be a free choice for me. And I will spend many afternoons at Parisian cafes, people-watching, or reading, or I will take many, many afternoon strolls. And... so on, and so forth.
Ok. So, would I marry someone for reasons like these, in reality?
365, or more, days ago, I would have said 'no'. But, now, I think, 'why not'?
At least I can still go visit Meisen in her Paris apartment...
xxx
March's almost gone. It's 1-quarter of a bloody year gone. What would it be if I say I feel time has gone off without me really realising it? And what would it be if I go on to say that it doesn't really matter at all?
There never was any meaning to time per se anyway. There is no more meaning when you became much much further than a sms away.
xxx
I really don't like coming home to everyone preparing for bedtime. And by the time I've finished going through my routine, I only have Saintnity to talk to. Even the dogs, having found their way to dreamland, can't be bothered with me.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:52
March 25, 2007
The Birthday Girl
is CJ!!!
Happy birthday, CJ Dearie!
Cj, who's been around for me more than I could expect, who's heard and saw me cry more times than I ever thought she would, who's been way thoughtful and patient and understanding with me.
Happy, happy birthday!!!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:37
March 24, 2007
Announcing the arrival of COMMENTS on this blog~~~!
I am smart and I am smart... *continues chanting*
I figured out how to add comments feature into this blog! Because this is not a blogspot blogskin, it didn't come with the comments feature. And the template html script is different from the blogspot one, so it doesn't automatically impose the feature although I set the setting.
And, if you don't think that's a big deal, well, your opinion is not a big deal to me!
I am smart and I am smart... *continues chanting*
I can buy a new watch now! YAY!
Because I told Kyn the day when I add the comments feature into my blog is the day I will give myself 2 pats on the back AND a new watch.
YAY!
I am super broke already for this month, but... I can start shopping around for my new watch!
Hahahaha...
So, let your music fall on my deaf ears!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:21
March 23, 2007
~ Randomly...
I'm stalking
Meisen's dreams! Nice!
Better than trying to find someone from advertising industry who also knows a bit about Japan! Just in case you are of this profile, please, please call me! That's assuming you have my number.
I'm stalking Meisen's dreams! Nice!
And for the record...
ambivalence means a state of stasis between two conflicting emotions or beliefs, not merely love-hate.
OK! Get that clear, brain 'genius' of NUS, Soci Dept!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:45
~ Randomly...
On the car ride back to the office after a meeting with our clients...
Boss: Jancy, you should go and look for someone (to date).
Me: Huh? Why should I? Waste of money, waste of time, waste of energy.
Boss: (snickered) Sceptical woman.
Me: Hullo, I should be sceptical.
Boss: Why?
Me: At my age now, if I'm still gullible and naive, then something is quite wrong with my life, right?
Boss: (laughs) Ok...
Me: Ya? So, I should be sceptical.
Boss: But it should be your top priority now. To date a man.
Me: No. It's the most bottom of my priority lor.
Boss: Is it? Are you sure?
Me: Ya.
Boss: Should send you for speed dating, know some guys.
Me: If I go speed dating, the guys will only be intimidated.
Boss: Why?
Me: You said one mah! That I'm
qia4.
Boss: Oh, you look
qia4 lah. But inside, not really.
Me: You sure?
Boss: Well, some guys like
qia4 girls mah... some guys like girls who can argue with them.
Me: From my experience, not really. (pause) You tell me, what's the whole point of seeing someone, finding someone to date?
Boss: (No answer)
p.s. my boss is very attached already.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:25
March 22, 2007
... Part 4 of 4...
Part 4If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:how much wld u charge if i were to buy it fr u? n does it come with guarantee?
glow in the dark love says:i didnt actually see u married. n i saw u sad. so perhaps u shld wait for the next one. but u can buy my dreamscape for coffee
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:i think i'm sad cos i dun think i know who i was marryin too.
that's sad.
n if i was marryin kynthia, 'sad' wld b an understt.
glow in the dark love says:
oh there was a 2nd part of the dream where u visited me at my parisian apartment
muahahahaha
but u were happy then
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
realli... i went alone?
glow in the dark love says:
yeah n i remembered u visited me when i was in the apartment alone
n i took arty pictures of u
those black n white kind
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:n was i the good n generous kind of guest who brought good food or good wine?
glow in the dark love says:n i rem telling u how come married women just get prettier
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:dat sounds nice...
glow in the dark love says:
u brought me dark chocs
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:oh, that's so sweeeeett
glow in the dark love says:n i made u coffee
n u were marvelling at my dream apartment with stacks of books all around
n i was telling u abt friendly ghost who resides in my apartment
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
i would, indeed.
haha
glow in the dark love says:n yea u asked me when i was getting married
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:n?
glow in the dark love says:n i said im happy n dun see the need to
i rem u went on abt how women shld always safeguard their interests with marriage...n i laughed n said i didnt expect to hear it from u
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:er, me neither.
glow in the dark love says:but yeah i do rem rather vividly in my dream that there was always this tinge of melancholy in ur eyes
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
oh shit... = (
glow in the dark love says:though i dunno why i found it hard to broach the subject
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:that'd b quite unlike u
glow in the dark love says:totally unlike me
yeah!
u asked me how long i was staying in paris
n i said until i felt the compulsion to move on. n u said something like dun stay away so long cos u felt lonely. n still, i cldnt bring myself to ask u how u were really doing.
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:i think ur dream can b made into a movie of sort.. we just need to find someone to marry me n make it dramatic.
again, unlike u. but the lonely part is true.
glow in the dark love says:i know the end of that part of the dream was really poetic
i walked u out of the apartment lobby n watch u walk down the street
n u were looking really lonesome...n i took a black n white picture of it
n it was a polaroid
n i stuck it up on my fridge...n i said jancy is a totally autumn person
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:meisen, i think u really wanna use me as a subject to take photos. ya?
glow in the dark love says:
perhaps...give me sometime. i need to hone my skill to photograph people
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:jancy hates autumn.. cos autumn feels depressing for me. tho i'm def born in autumn.
glow in the dark love says:u do? autumn is my fav season. but thats just melancholic me.
paris is the most beautiful during autumn
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:it's too melancholic. i dun like that but i think, deep down, i'm exactly that.
glow in the dark love says:
yeah u always struck me as an autumn person
seriously
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:ya. i've a fren who told me that too.
i think i'm exactly that. but it's all a bit too melancholic for me. cos well, the hardest break ups i remember all happened in autumn
so, i dislike autumn in that way.
it makes me sad.
glow in the dark love says:its funny how u configure it in non-seasonal spore
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:haha.. ya. haha
but they all happened ard my birthday, whh is sept.
glow in the dark love says:urgh that totally sucks
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:i ve a love-hate r.ship with myself.
glow in the dark love says:u are ambivalent haha
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:hha... ya. ambivalent indeed.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:47
... Part 3 of 4...
Part 3glow in the dark love says:
n u had ur own dressing room
u really looked good
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:i'm sure i do. hahahaa
glow in the dark love says:very slinky satin vera wang
n of course we were all joking..wah jancy, hit jackpot, finance me for this n that
then more ppl came in..so we thot it was best we left.
n u looked really sad, so i asked u if u were ok n u said i dunno.
i wanted to stick ard but there were just mobs of ppl waiting to stream in n charan pulled me out
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:i alr feel like a celebrity..
indulge me somemore... pls.
glow in the dark love says:
there was a lot of banter at the table. very noisy. ppl talking, jazz band playing..i was asking for coffee. the dream didnt really end...the dreamscape just changed...i went to use the ladies n dack was waiting for me there n asked me if i wanted to leave
n i left n we ended up walking out of the ballroom n into paris
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:u left my weddin just like that? my super elaborate weddin.
oh that's it! the place is Paris. i always knew i'd go back Paris someday.
glow in the dark love says:
totally. it was giving me a headache.
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:i hope chua beng huat was not at my weddin...
glow in the dark love says:
n dack n me walked to le marais for some coffee
no haha no
haha well if i got married, i def invite him n put him at ur table
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
sure, thks meisen.
where's christian? did u see him?
glow in the dark love says:
no chris wasnt there
funnily last nite, i was wondering to sera who wld get married aft april
so maybe u lah
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:ya. n very very expensive weddinu def muz share with me tis sorta dreams if u dream it again. i cld live in the imagined landscape for days mann
glow in the dark love says:yeah super elaborate
but seriously CROWD CONTROL
u might have been marrying a viscount or something.
hey if we were koreans, u are supposed to buy the dream fr me to make it come true
def most opulent wedding dinner i've seen
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:26
... Part 2 of 4...
Part 2glow in the dark love says:oh oh oh i rem we were all wondering where u were
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:ya! where the hell was i?
glow in the dark love says:i wanted to ask kynthia if we cld go up to the hotel room to see u
then i heard someone say the bride is backstage
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
only i probi wasnt in the hotel room.
ok. wat the hell was i doin bkstage, i wonder. haa
glow in the dark love says:i rem thinking 'is this for real?" backstage..why so drama? maybe its an elaborate play jancy doing to punk us all
n i looked up realising that the ballroom is more like an opera house with elaborate balconies upstairs too
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
wahh... i cld live in a dream like that.
n some more? how did it ended?
glow in the dark love says:so hairul said lets go backstage
so we did
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:31
(My therapist's) Dreams - My other reality ... Part 1 of 4
(I hope you don't dream of crowded wedding dinner. Not tonight. But, the next time you do dream of my wedding again, I want to hear all about it, again!)
Part 1glow in the dark love says:
i dreamt u got married last night
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:gosh. who's my groom or bride? did u see?
glow in the dark love says:
did not. we just turned up at this banquet n there was a lot of waiting ard. just knew that it was ur wedding.
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:oh ok... waiting ard.. ya, i bet i was also one of those waiting ard.. to see who i'm gettn married to.
glow in the dark love says:ooh anyhow ur wedding dress was a vera wang
so doubly exciting
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:wow.. tell me more.. the details..
glow in the dark love says:u must be marrying someone rich cos the banquet was huge
like 100 over tables n looked terribly expensive
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:wow! i've always loved ur dreams..
ok, who else do i know who is at my weddin?
glow in the dark love says:yeah n serving beaujalois red wine
glow in the dark love says:i remembered i saw kynthia
she was wearing a white suit
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
realli! that's cool.
oh man, ok. that's quite like her.
glow in the dark love says:then erm...since i havent seen the rest of ur friends, no feature of them
I
f one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:Mm. our frens? like... charan?
glow in the dark love says:
i rem telling kynthia shes trying to steal ur show by wearing white
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
so long as she's not the one i'm marryin, it's fine.
white suit! duh. but i take it she's not the bride.
glow in the dark love says:well haha we had no idea u were marrying....i remembered karen asking me if i knew who u were marrying
n i replied i am as surprised as they are cos its so sudden
charan was talking cock as usual
dun rem paul in my dreams
but april n serjin were there
sera n hairul were there
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
oh mann... i really love ur dream, meisen... so, was there a live band? or erm.. whh hotel?
glow in the dark love says:oh yeah there was a jazz live band
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
any impression it was ch food or wat?
glow in the dark love says:i remembered them playing summertime n thot it was a rather good rendition
there was appetisers of some sauteered scallops n we were all wolfing it down cos we were so hungry
n i know it was a weekday cos april said she came from work n was looking tired
i think it must be situated sometime in the future because everyone was hugging me n asking me how i was, n how long im back for fieldwork
oh there was a dog which ran barking down the walkway in the ballroom n i was really amused
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:u r makin me nervous. haha
ok. the dog's name is Sydney. n i will remind my sis to leash him during my real wedding.
glow in the dark love says:is it an alsatian?
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:
it's an overgrown mini schnauzer
glow in the dark love says:ok wrong dog then
If one pill doesn't work, well... take more! says:haha..
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:20
~ Randomly...
Maria bought a box of dark chocolate from Royce. Not the individually packed kind, which in my humble opinion, is not as nice as the cube kind. There's a name for it, I don't freaking remember.
Anyway, she gave us all a little piece of heaven. Correction. Most of us had 2 pieces. Maria would come round, instruct us to open our mouth, and we would go 'no, I don't want already...' and the next instant, the piece of heaven was melting in our mouth. haha...
Super, super good. So, Rara, Whying, Dharma, Emman and me were all really high and for 10 minutes after heaven melted in our mouth, we just couldn't do any work. Emman was dancing! haha
And my AD was in a super good mood today. So, he decided to be extremely sweet to me by not calling me the name that he's assigned me (not so distantly related to a pork dish), and instead, called me 'mei nuu' today. Correction. He actually said I'm a smart and pretty girl. 'Cos I thought of something before he told me to do.
The kind of stuff that happens at my workplace...
xxx
Jas just told me today that when she right clicked on my links, the pop up message was 'Just like that'.
Everyday, you learn something new. Sometimes, about your own blog.
Why, it's amazing! But I don't know why it happens. haha...
xxx
I love Meisen's dream. I hope I find myself in the dreamscape that she dreamt me in tonight.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:04
March 20, 2007
~ Randomly...
Lunch mengobrol 1...
Emman: Live together. Die alone.
All: (quiet for 2 seconds)
Me: Ya, that's quite true eh.
Snowlette: That's profound.
Me: Ya. That's profound. Are you ok?
Lunch mengobrol 2...
Emman: Falling in love is like falling into a rabbit hole.
Me: Hmm? Why?
Emman: You fall deep into it. And on the way down, you see a lot of fascinating and interesting things. But, at the end of it, you still come out and everything is still the same.
Me: (speechless, don't know what to say for 2 seconds) Ok... That's true. I totally agree with you!
Lunch mengobrol 3...
Everyday, we will put aside a little food, the last 2 mouthfuls from our own lunch, amass them together to make a decent lunch, for our dear funky intern. So that she can save money on buying lunch and save enough to go to Paris for her conference, to present her paper and eat French roti there.
The Save Waiyin Fund...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:51
March 18, 2007
~ Randomly...
This throbbing pain at the lower back of my head has been disturbing me for the past 3 days. I'm waiting for it to go away by itself, or waiting for it to get so bad that I will be motivated to see a doctor. Or, if it affects my capacity in other areas.
It's quite annoying, this slight bruised feeling at the back of your head.
xxx
Took a lot of photos with fresh-looking, young colleagues at Snowlette's wedding. Haha...
I'm becoming a new fave of young girls. Must be something to do with the 'as if you know everything' aura. Or, the da jie da aura.
Whatever it is, they are a fun bunch.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:20
March 17, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
All, which was the most vivid thing I could recall, and possibly the most important, I could recall was that she squeezed my hands when we held hands. We held hands tightly.
And I had wanted to say, "This time round, let's hold on tight and never let go."
But I didn't say. I, just, didn't.
When I woke up, we were trying to rescue each other from being an escaped tiger's lunch.
I keep remembering holding hands tightly. And not saying anything more.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:45
~ Randomly...
Je t'aime, Paris Je t'aime.
I think I would like the feel of a supporting hand behind my neck too. Preferably, a pair of kneading hands, massaging away my throbbing headache. How about some communication gone wrong? When you know everything you do with her would be the last time you could do it with her, that makes everything meaningful again. And I liked the lonely mime actors who fell in love in a prison cell. Frodo was just being Frodo too. Exact same kind of expression. Pretty lame-funny. A happily confused family. And I remember the working class mother who had to leave her child in a daycare so that she could nanny another's baby. And the mother who lost her son. And the two Gaspards. Natalie Portman is cute, really cute. And ye, there is no problem with Asians except they open the door with a punch right through the door? That was exactly it. A mixture of joy and sadness.
I might want to buy the DVD... oh no... my bank account's not looking good already...
xxx
I've gone to be pretty close with the two fresh, young and pretty interns at my workplace. Sweet, young things. haha...
It helps that they are narcissistic and very often hungry (like me). And it definitely helps that they are the only ones in office who don't think Lau Pasat is too far to walk to for lunch. I really can't be contented with the fish soup, nasi lemak and 'Jiat Bao?' in Golden Shoe Market. It's too miserable, the variety. I like my waffles and desserts. hehe...
My AD didn't seem very convinced when I told him I like older men, younger women. *hmm... he doesn't need to know me too well. ha!
Next lunch destination: Dessert Buffet! Rara's lobang. Sounds good already.
xxx
Lord Snowlette's big day is today! Well, later tonight.
Anything is still possible, so long as the wife doesn't know about it... hoho...
But really, he's getting married! *sob sobz*
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:22
March 06, 2007
~ Randomly...
An Ah Girl beyond reach... A love beyond reality...
xxx
So, I decided, at that instant when the book landed on my bed, that I will go for a run.
My thighs and calves are aching now. Because I ran fast. For three quarters of the 3km, I felt I was running away from something. "Run! Don't let it catch up with you." I slowed down towards the end. It became "Run, Jancy, run."
When I finally stopped and took a really slow walk home, I started wondering if it's valid that exercise makes you feel good (about what, I don't know). Approaching my block, I felt like sitting down at the pavement and bury my head, hair dripping with perspiration, between my legs, close my eyes and cry. But I didn't.
Someone came to ask me to change the wallpaper for her handphone. 'Cos it was in Chinese and she couldn't read. I suspected that was not her handphone. I asked if it was hers. She said it wasn't. And left it at that. So, I left it at that too. And helped her change the wallpaper.
I just wanted to get home, shower and sleep.
xxx
There was no recipient name on the front of the bubble envelope. Just my address. So, my parents must have opened it up to see what's inside. They guessed right. It was meant for me.
Me, whose name shall not be mentioned.
xxx
Heard this over radio just now...
我相信:
有一个地方，你去了，就永远都不会想离开；有一个人，你一辈子只会遇见一次却永远都不会忘记。
And I thought...
很遗憾，我们还是没有紧握彼此的手，一起走到那个地方。或许你已经忘记；而我，我宁愿不要记得，而不是去忘记。
xxx
The songs Meisen sent me during my depression have grown on me. My MRT ride songs. Makes the mood before work a little down and depressing.
But once I reach office, I think I'm one of the more cheerful workers in my office.
xxx
The tremors have been felt. My computer screen swayed and I thought my table was giving way.
We didn't get evacuated, nor evacuate ourselves (Kudos to Apple and her colleagues for that!). We stayed put and emailed each other.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:44
March 04, 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Wenn!
To Wendy!
Otherwise affectionately known as the following to me...
- Wenn
- Babelicious (Bblics for short)
- Darlin
- Lan3 mao1
- Small Sky Shit (used in a distant past)
- xiao3 la4 jiao1
Otherwise referred to me as the following by others...
- wife
- life partner
Shit, by any other name, would still be shit.
Anyway, Happy Birthday!!!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:35
Dreams - My other reality
Some amusement park, a small one. Near what looked like Jalan Kayu.
Wendy and me. We went on this roller-coaster. It took us right into the clouds. For a while up there, I felt like I was in the sky. Flying. I thought of if someone was to jump from a very high building, this might just be what it feels like. I thought i was the 'someone'. And I thought to myself, that's not very scary. Unlike what Josie told me earlier this week - people usually find it hard to commit suicide by jumping down because of the height.
Felt liberating. It felt like the right feeling to have.
The roller-coaster came crashing down. We stepped out of our seats as if we've just walked into a new life. Slightly unbelieving, slightly amazed.
And our parents were waiting for us at the entrance to the amusement park. It was time to go home.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:23
~ Randomly...
Attended Lydia and Seth's church wedding yesterday. It takes a wedding to say "I love you", not to each other. But to your own parents. It was a very moving ceremony. Inspiring, faith-renewing, if only for that short 10 mins.
Everything went back to normal after walking out of the auditorium.
But she was smiling even when she was choking on her own tears. So, I consumed one piece of tissue paper in joining in the holy matrimony.
xxx
The heart is guarded against the rest of human kind, man and woman alike. But I'm ok with animals. Thank you very much, Kyn. No. Really. For the thoughts, the words and the cheers - to narcissism.
xxx
The diagnosis was very lacking in substance, Doc Chin. But it's ok. You have the license to proclaim me sick and to affirm there IS something wrong with me but you don't know what.
I'm more fan4 jian4 than you; more deserving of a true blue sceptic than you. Just need to constantly remind myself of that.
xxx
If a book is the last connection from the collapsing assumptions of the past, may all collapse to give new ground to the future. Whatever 'future' is.
xxx
I'm going to be an aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Half aunt is still an aunt. So exciting! Gee...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:10
March 01, 2007
~ Randomly...
How could a dream be so reflective... But they are supposed to be. Still, I marvel at some of the landscapes that Sandman brings me to on certain nights.
Almost like real... Almost.
xxx
Peace and relief follows the end of denial. I hope so too. It's up to me.
But I think my motivation now is still self-protect. I rather procrastinate on moving on than to lose that scepticism. I rather there is no next attempt at love than to attempt to believe and then, be let down. Rather still feel that pinch of pain and that almost-crying mood than to start looking into the future where the next one might be.
It's good enough, just like this now.
xxx
Work's been picking up speed this week, after CNY. Yesterday was Kat's last day. I'm very thankful for her help and mentoring, whenever she can, during the past one month. I'm taking over her projects, on top of my own. That will be a total of 5 projects on my hands now.
My AD asked if the job's been up to my expectation so far. I told him I try not to have too much expectations before going into anything. He asked for example, if I expected to work long hours. I replied almost immediately. No. I never expect to work long hours. I mean, come on! Who would? I have a life outside work, ya. I think I made myself clearer when I continued by saying that I only have one expectation from my work - to be able to maintain a work-life balance. And he said, of course
lah!Then, you still asked?!?!
xxx
Anyway, impression management is important. Something about this was taught to me in the module "Self and Society". Erving Goffman. I just can't recall the term now. Haha...
Make it a point to leave office by 7pm, latest. I would rather come home and do nothing. Work is, after all, unfinishing.
xxx
It's another one those chilly, cloudy nights.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:13
Dreams - My other reality
Cj, Zie and me were going to our boss's house for the CNY. We arranged to go together.
There, I realised Kay also went. Apparently, Cj and Zie made arrangement for Kay and me to meet because Kay hoped that we remain as friends. And Cj said that knowing both of us, she felt it would be such a pity if we couldn't even be friends. Cj said for us to have a good talk, to try to salvage the situation that we were in.
I felt torn. On one hand, I could see where Cj was coming from. On the other hand, I felt I was just so not up to it - being friends with Kay. So, I kept quiet most of the time. I didn't know what to say.
And when at last I spoke, I was close to tears. I spoke about how disappointed I was, how I had tried to spare a thought for her and yet, felt very hurt by her. I spoke about how many times I gave her the benefit of the doubt but they all ended up being cases of my self-denial. And I said, at last, I don't know why I should bother taking the initiative to be friends with her or even reciprocate her initiative. I guess, I just didn't know what to do.
Then, Cj and Zie went away. Left me alone with her. She was just smiling and we were just waiting for something, anything to happen. And I decided to just try to make some small talk. But, something in me stopped me from even that. I don't know what. Self-defense mechanism? Pride?
The next thing I knew, the scene changed to a beach resort. Some beach resort called Havanah. It was a really nice, cosy beach resort. Very exclusive. And inside, there were dogs. Huge dogs. There was a rifle collection installed on the wall.
I woke up not long after.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:00